Little Victories

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October 7th marked 4 years since I was diagnosed with Lupus, four years since my body decided to wage war on itself, four years since I started to actually learn to listen to what my body was telling me, four years since I learned to be kinder to myself. That last one is still a work in progress but I believe I'm getting better at it every single day. 

This year has been quite challenging. It’s tested me and made me feel more helpless than I’ve ever felt before. It has left me feeling raw and vulnerable and made me rely on people quite heavily – something that has always been hard for me. But it has also taught me to fight and be strong and to appreciate every little victory. Some of these, though seemingly small, are that I can walk around without assistance, get up the stairs in my house at a normal pace, open up a drink bottle on my own most of the time. The latest and one of the most exciting victories: I have finally been cleared by my doctors to start working again! I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life where I was really excited to work. Most of us just go through the motions because that’s what we feel we are supposed to do. I was one of those people once upon a time. But it’s amazing how your perspective changes when something you’ve taken for granted is suddenly ripped away from you. I miss the hustle and bustle of the workplace. I miss the interactions with my coworkers who have become my friends and extended family. I miss using my brain in that capacity. I haven’t really worked regularly since the end of March. I was hospitalized in April for the pulmonary embolisms and after thinking I was better and trying to return to work, I ended up with pneumonia and suffered complications which landed me in the hospital a second time. And then a third time. I’m not even sure I remember how to do parts of my job anymore but I’m excited to relearn them and get back into the swing of things.

While there is so much that I miss, I do appreciate that I needed, and still need, to take time to rest and heal. I still have a long road ahead of me and I will never be as well as I once was but that road to recovery is now shorter. This has been quite the adventure and though 2018 has felt long, it’s just a little blip in the grand scheme of things. I will continue to celebrate these small accomplishments as they come because they’re worth the celebration. The year is nearly over and I’m hoping that 2019 brings health and happiness and of course, a lot more sparkle.

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