them sparkles

Since my last post, things have improved. I may even get to go home soon. I've been here just over 6 weeks but hopefully, not much longer. I saw the doctor today and it looks like my blood counts are improving on their own. A couple more stable days and she said they would feel comfortable letting me leave. Aside from needing to rebuild my strength, I feel ready. I've been here so long, the seasons have actually changed. I showed up in summer, wearing a maxi dress and flip flops and I'll be leaving in the fall, with a taste of Calgary winter in between, and need to have warm clothes brought to me. Thankfully I've had a nice view to see it all happen. For almost my entire stay, I've had something called a Central Venous Catheter in my neck. I'm what they call a "hard poke" so trying to get an IV line started in my arm or hand is extremely difficult. This is the why I get so bruised. This CVC goes in through the big vein in the neck and ends up i...

I feel like I'm currently living in a body that isn't mine, living a life maybe meant for someone else. This truly can't be why I was put on this earth. Another hospital stay, this one the longest yet. I've been here just over 4 weeks and still counting. There is no anticipated discharge date. The doctors were initially concerned that I was dehydrated so they pumped me full of fluids but my body didn't know what to do with it and it was all displaced elsewhere - something they call third spacing. A normal body would filter the fluid through the kidneys and void it, but not mine. I've gained over 20kgs (yes, kgs) since I arrived just from fluid retention and I can't move my legs on my own. There is so much built up fluid in my legs and abdomen that I need someone to help me get in and out of bed just so I can use the washroom. I actually look fully pregnant and the pressure of it makes it difficult to breathe and eat. I've had to have a feed tu...

The last couple of weeks have been difficult and an emotional roller-coaster. On June 15th, I said goodbye to my best girl, my furbaby, Boo. On June 16th, my beautiful Nana Alice passed away. June 20th was my birthday but it was difficult to celebrate. My Nana was an amazing woman. She was our matriarch, the creator of our huge and loving family, and such a gorgeous, generous soul. She lived a long and fulfilling 90 years of life. She had 9 children, who then gave her 34 grandchildren, who then gave her 42 great grandchildren and then 3 great-great grandchildren. We all adored her. She had the best laugh and the greatest smile. One of the things I will cherish the most about my Nana is how she managed to send us all birthday and Christmas cards every single year. Always a great reminder that she was thinking about us. Always with a note inside to tell us how much she loved us. This is the first year I didn't receive a birthday card from her. Something I will sure miss bu...

I was just discharged from the hospital again. Less than a week thankfully, but no hospital stay would be preferred. A fever that lingered over three weeks and weakened my body turned out to be another bad Lupus flare. My blood counts were low again and my body was again fighting itself. The doctors were quick to try and remedy me and I'm happy to say I'm on the mend again. But that's not what this post is about. I want to talk about someone who came into my life completely by chance, without any expectation and has been around ever since. This human being is selfless, loves their family like I've never seen before, respects people in positions and occupations where so many people turn their noses down. Over 8 years ago, I was single, had come out of a relationship that left me feeling vulnerable with low self-esteem. I was having a night out with a friend who had invited a couple of other friends she knew from high school. We all met and headed out. I knew not...

This post is will have a very different feel from the rest of my blog. It's not going to be all shiny and positive as usual because sadly, I don't feel all that sparkly. But it's important and I hope you are able to read to the end. I don't normally speak up about "controversial" issues because everyone is entitled to their opinions and are allowed to make their own choices. This issue, although backed by science, is becoming an ever growing epidemic across the globe. People are dying, the very young and the very old alike. I'm talking about vaccinations. I used to be on the fence about them myself. Once a perfectly healthy person, I never had to think about taking additional measures. I was naive and didn't realize that by getting vaccinated, I could be saving someone else from getti ng sick. I didn't want to put something foreign in my body and I took m y health for granted. That was until it was taken away from me. Now I have to rely...

Dear 2018, I'll get straight to the point. I'm breaking up with you. It's not me, it's definitely you.  When you came into my life, I had high hopes for us. There were fireworks. There was celebration. You came in with a bang. Things were great in the beginning. You were so shiny, new, and exciting. However, as time went on, you suddenly changed. You became incredibly difficult. For whatever reason, you didn't want to be kind anymore. Even through all of our troubles, I tried to remain hopeful, tried to give you the benefit of the doubt but you still kept trying to break me down. You almost had me at one point but I refused to give in. I decided that I wasn't going to let you crush my spirit any longer.  With the help of some really amazing people — family, friends, and doctors — we made a plan. A plan to help me escape your angry clutches. A plan to help me rise from where you had knocked me down. Slowly but surely, I started to distance myself fro...