Dad 💙

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My heart has been broken before, a few times actually. But nothing compares to the magnitude of pain it feels now or how shattered it is. They say time heals all wounds but I don't feel like this wound will ever close. 

It's been a week since Dad passed away. When it comes to the heartache, it feels like it just happened. In terms of time, it already feels like a lifetime. I can't imagine my life without him, yet here I am. He meant so much to me. He was one of my best friends, my biggest fan, my cheerleader, my coach, my counsellor, my sounding board, my teacher, my protector, my hero. Growing up, I never had to question his love for me. He always called me his baby girl, no matter my age. He was always there when I needed him. 

I already miss him so much. But there is so much about him to miss. He had an amazingly huge heart. You would never know by looking at him though, he loved playing the old, grumpy guy. But anyone who met him and got to know the real him, loved him. He would do anything for those he cared about. He was a great cook and loved to do it often. Not everything he made was the healthiest but it was always made with the most love. He loved country music and was the best damn whistler I've ever heard. He loved college football and would watch his team, the Nebraska Cornhuskers, any time the game was televised. He loved war movies and shows about the service. Being a Vietnam Veteran, he obviously had a personal interest in it. My family and I poked fun at him when we would visit him at home because he always had JAG or NCIS on the television. His cellphone ringtone was even the JAG theme song. He loved his family fiercely and would call whoever he wanted to talk to that day whenever he could. These are just a tiny few of the many things that made him who he was. 


No one is ever ready to say goodbye but I wasn't even a little bit prepared. In the short span of a month, he went from being ok, to having a stroke, to then passing. He was showing so much improvement since he was admitted to hospital. My brother and I saw him just hours before and he looked a lot better than he had in previous days. When I left him that day so he could rest, I told him I would be back in the morning. Had I known it would be the last time I saw him alive, I never would have left his side. It feels like he was ripped away from us far too soon. There are so many things I had pictured for him and I as we continued life together. I had always imagined him giving me away when I got married and dancing with me at my wedding. I imagined how fantastic of a grandfather he would be to my children, should I ever have any. I already saw how he took in my brother's girlfriend (now fiancé) and her children immediately as his family and how much he loved being the kids' grandpa and I wanted the same for my own. I wanted to watch him grow older and continue to pretend to get grumpier with age. I just wanted to have my dad for as long as I possibly could. 

Dad, wherever you are, I want you to know how much I love you and how much you've always meant to me. A lot of who I am is because of who you were. You taught me to be strong, to stick up for myself, and not to take shit from anyone. I still have to work on that last bit but I know you'll be in my corner when I need it. Thank you for always making me feel loved and for giving me strength when I've been weak. The last few years were really tough but you always checked in and made sure I knew you were there for me.

I would go through it all again, over and over until the end of time if it meant I could have you back. But I know you would never want that for me. I know that seeing me in pain was painful for you. I'm glad I was able return the favour and be there when you needed me, until the very end. I'm really going to miss our almost daily phone calls, especially hearing your voice and your laugh. I'm going to miss the excitement in your voice when you found me a new recipe and how you'd always print me a copy. I'm going to miss driving with you and singing old country songs together. I'm going to miss absolutely everything.

I'll always be your baby girl, whether you're here or not. I'll never stop thinking about you. I'll always love you to the moon and back twice, too.



Until we meet again, Papa Bear. 

❤️ Nette


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